After Losing A Child – Meltdown at TJMAXX


Eucalyptus Honey. That’s what did it.

Twenty years ago I went to Spain and brought each of our kids something back that I thought would resonate with them. Laurie’s gift was Eucalyptus Honey. She loved it, and IMG_6456joked when it was gone that I had to go back to get her more.

So a couple years ago I got to go back. Several stores (and towns) were searched for that honey, and when I finally found it, I scooped up every bottle on the shelf.

All 8 bottles came through the trip and many passes through customs (even nasty Boston’s TSA – the only place that had the need to slash all the see-through Ziploc bags for honey and all the breakable souvenirs).

Today I needed a cup of organic coconut oil and the closest place with the best price was TJMaxx. My kids know what a danger it is for me to go in there. I have to peek at every container of organic food and oil. I found lemon herb seasoning, blueberry and apricot compotes, a gluten free shortbread cookie and eucalyptus honey. Oh my goodness, I thought, I’ll have to call Laurie and tell her TJMaxx has it.

I actually pulled my phone out of my purse and opened it to favorites and stood there staring at the list with one less name.


Just that morning we’d picked strawberries and the woman there asked how I was doing. I whipped off my standard, “too blessed to be depressed,” adding that it is a good reminder every time I say that, to keep my focus. Pfft. There went focus.

I finished my errands and headed home. I walked in the house and Ken took one look and knew. I explained what happened and after dinner and prayer, told him he could go to bed while I dealt with our morning haul of 40# of strawberries.

Once again, I praise God for music. It soothes and heals when I cannot think or speak or  1-FamilyJam2010listen to preaching, or verbalize. Tonight’s music was piano and flute and songs like Something Beautiful (something good, all my confusion He understood)…Soon and Very Soon (I’m going to see the King), and Hear my Song, Lord, which got me upstairs to YouTube and Anthony Burger (also with the Lord), playing a medley.

Hear my song, Lord, You fill me with music

Hear my words, Lord, You fill me with praise

Take this moment, I just can’t waste it

This one is Yours, Lord, I give You this day. (this day and the sadness in it, and the reason for my sadness)

Hear Your children, we are lifting Your praise to You

Let singing like incense now rise to Your throne

Come dwell in the place hollowed out for Your Spirit (a painful process)

Come make of our praises Your temple, Your home   LaurieDoug-Gparents

I do praise the Lord for every day this special woman, so thrilled to be a grandmother, was in our lives.

I share this not for sympathy, but for reality – reality of the heart-hole and reality of the God-comfort. Tragedies surround us daily – check any prayer group- check the news – check your Facebook friends. It makes me realize we could have lost our daughter a hundred ways over the past 51 years. Before we lost a child death was a sad drama and we attempted to sympathize and comfort others, but we did not know. The reality of the loss of an intimate relationship changes the dynamics and understanding of the tragedy of death. I share this because I want to comfort and encourage others too – to let you know that your loss is not “just” a statistic – your loss is a tragedy too.

I was reading Laurie’s emails again –like the one that quoted Job and said how can we expect only good to happen and not bad things too. They’ve become notes of comfort. I’d love to hear about your moments of comfort, and if you are not there yet, and you need a heart-to-heart, just ask. I can cry with you too.


We are in this together.

12 Comments on “After Losing A Child – Meltdown at TJMAXX

  1. I wish I could remember the name of the fellow who was born without arms and legs. Before he married, he said he didn’t need arms to hug his wife. He is not only married, but a father. Anyway, he didn’t need arms to hug and neither do I. I’m hugging you right now with God’s love that He has given me for you.

    You are so right. I cannot begin to understand the depth of your pain, but the Lord does. He’s given me such a wonderful friend that I admire so. I may not be able to understand, but I weep with you.

    I remember shortly after I lost my mother, I was writing a check. That simple act brought back the memory of going through her checkbook after she died and seeing how bad off she was doing. Her final entry was a mere unreadable squiggle. And I hurt. If that hurt, how much more your pain. The blessing is you’ll see her again. Right now, she’s laughing and dancing around the throne of God.

    May pain is that, as things stand now, my children and grandchildren are not ready for heaven.


    • Mary, I know of whom you speak – Nick Vujicic – a very inspirational person. Thanks for the reminder of our continued earthly calling for those who have not yet come to know the Lord. They indeed are some of our reasons to remain, and to accept the hugs of our Heavenly Father.


  2. I keep the photos I have of my BFF Christiane before the cancer ravaged her. She was the only friend I had who went all the way back to elementary school. She was beautiful inside and out. A classy lady. She saw to the flowers on the altar at her church and I always thought that was a fitting profession for her. She loved antiques (once owned a shop that sold them) and beautifying things.


    • Awe, dear one, Thank you for sharing about your friend. You too were given a gift of beautifying and have the opportunity to let the Almighty one shine through you. Delores


  3. Awe Delores I am touched again with your sadness so I am crying with you tonight. Let Laurie’s passionate life lift you up in your days of those tears. I chose to leave my moms phone number in my cell. You see I know I don’t have to physically dial her number to talk to her. I’ll ‘call’ out her name in prayer and/or while in meditation and know she will hear me..and I find comfort in that..just a moment of peace at no charge. 🙂 Love you Angel Hugs




  4. I feel the same way about emails I have from my mom, or comments she made to me on fb. It’s comforting to hear her voice again in those ways.


    • Thanks my friend. You are right – so many little things we take for granted that take on new depth. Thanks for sharing your heart.


      • Like my friend Christine, I do have the knack for beautifying. But my anointing is in being a lady-like toughie. I’m a rescuer, a protector, a fighter for what’s right and for justice. Maybe that’s why I write detective novels.


      • Nike, love your calling to be a rescuer and a protector for what’s right and for justice. And do do it in a lady-like manner would definitely call for strength from above! Thanks for beautifying others lives through the Grace Awards, and through living your calling by putting your hands, feet, and pen to your faith. Delores


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