After Losing a Child – Feeling Like Alice, in Wonderland

I’ve been reading a most compelling novel Love Arrives in Pieces by Betsy St. Amant.  One of the main character’s life events leave her feeling like Alice in Wonderland.  Ironically, though the topic of the book and the character’s story are far different than mine, I find myself relating immensely.  With the author’s permission,  the  portion in italics that deeply touched me is quoted below.  You will see why I too feel like Alice in Wonderland.

Well, maybe Alice after she fell down the hole and started exploring her new territory.

Everywhere – no matter the surroundings – good or bad, encouraging or discouraging, tender or tough, is the lingering sensation that things aren’t as they should be.

Or what they seem.

Unfamiliar.

Unknown.

All upside down and too small and too big, all at once.  

 

Strange and familiar should not be able to coexist.

 

All of my world is not the way it used to be.

 

And neither am I.

 

But some is still the same.

 

I am still mom to Laurie, Cheri, and Kevin. 

I am still married to Ken.

I am still a Christ-Follower

I AM is still with me.

 

There are still a lot of wonderful, wonderful memories from my past.

And the dark times are still covered by Jesus’ blood.

 

I met a young woman many years back, who told me I probably could not understand…because she had anxiety attacks and flashbacks from some of life’s pain. She was surprised to find I did understand. I’m surprised to find I understand again.

 

She was surprised to hear me tell her praiseful practice of the presence of Christ would create a thankful heart and a thankful heart would create worship, and worship would bright light and peace.

 

I am surprised, though I shouldn’t be, that despite additional painful losses, my remedy is still the same – a choice to praise and give thanks for Christ’s continued presence, and in practicing that find thankfulness, like a light in the darkness, and a crescendo of worship.

 

In the midst of a fast for a particularly trying time I wasn’t sure I would live through God led me to write a song. It was after a message by Navigator staff, John Purvis shared an old song – Is That All There Is.

 

I went home wondering If this is all there is – would I be satisfied? If all I had (though I’ve had much more) was to know Christ and have a single opportunity to make Him known to another – would I be satisfied?

 

I began to think about other suffering Christian people and a few whose personal story of faith filled me with awe and wonder. Could I know that peace in such trial? Would I accept the pain as a path to worship? I honestly did not want to experience their losses or anything close to find out. When I told them each laughingly told me they did not want to live out most of my story either, and they all said their goal was still only that Christ be glorified.

 

Someday perhaps I too will be able to say:

 

 

If this is all there is 

If this is all there is

If this is all there is to life

Then Lord, I’m satisfied

 

 

 

Tsunamis of disaster – Fall without, within

The earth itself is groaning – In agony from sin

 

In my strength I could not bear the suffering I’ve known

Or the joy of understanding, that my penalty’s atoned!

 

To be known and yet accepted 

Forgiven and loved still

To hear your voice at my right hand

To walk within your will

 

If this is all there is

If this is all there is

If this is all there is to life

Then Lord, I’m satisfied

 

Economies are failing, cancer’s on the rise

Promises are broken, and no pleasures satisfy

 

Though troubles that afflict us in number many be

This I know God’s in control, no matter what I see!

 

His quiet love has freed me of 

The threat of anxious fear

Replacing it with confidence

That God is God and He is here!

 

And if this is all there is

If this is all there is

If this is all there is to life

Then Lord, I’m satisfied

And then there’s your life –
If this is all there is… 

will you be satisfied?