It’s hard when you have difficulty understanding what your spouse, relative or friend is going through, and it is hard knowing they don’t or can’t understand what you are feeling. My daughter we lost once wrote me that she felt that same way – and that all that was important was that God knows. And that God had never failed piloting her through a situation and never would fail.
A friend sent this verse today from a (totally different) study she was doing but I found it so related to my feelings:
For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us.
We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you. 2 Chronicles 20:12
Emotions are my vast army right now. They make me feel without power, as indeed I am. All my life I’ve felt if I know the issue, then I can make a reasonable attack plan and be confident of conquering. Not this time.
I understand these words and feelings – I am Overwhelmed. Powerless.
Not without power – but powerless.
There is a difference.
It is still knowing and admitting that I want to resolve and control my feelings – I want to handle it. But, I also know I cannot bear the feelings, let alone control them. I am powerless in myself and so I have to FIND THE POWER OUTSIDE OF MYSELF.
The solution is in making the Chronicles admissions:
The spirit of the Lord answered their honest cries and told them
Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God’s.
Do I believe like these warriors did that I could take the leap to trust God to either catch me, or teach me to fly…and whichever He chose, would be the best?
Do not be afraid. God, my daughter Laurie reminded me, had not failed her once. He will not fail me to come through this. The spirit of the Lord says do not fear – (original word fear comes from root meaning troubled or spun around from violent emotion). Do not be pushed/swayed/spun out of focus by the winds of emotion.
Do not be dismayed (distressed, depressed – original word meaning shattered or fearful). I certainly do feel shattered when I look within my limited view. Trusting the emotions makes me question the past and the future because the present is not as stable as I expected it to be.
But, the Sprit of God says do not. Do not trust what brings fear. How can I turn off that fear, that dismay? By realizing I am listening to a lie that I must fight a battle that is not mine to fight. I need to rest, limp, in His strength.
Imagine short little David – facing the bully and gigantic Philistine – with the little stones in his hand. Trusting a God he believed was bigger than his circumstances.
Imagine Jehosaphat, earthly king and man of God, facing a great multitude. And bowing before the power of God.
Imagine me, just a mom facing the gigantic specter of the death of my child and that absence hovering over the rest of my future. What do these battles have in common?
All of these battles were given the same distinction.
They are not ours.
The answer also was always the same
Recognize you have access to greater power than you or any human has ever had
Take a stand to turn your eyes upon the LORD. Let Him fight the battle
Whatever your battle today, join me.
We may be power-less in ourselves, but we are not without power!
Let’s turn our eyes upon the Lord
And watch for His deliverance.
With intense beating of my heart I finished reading your words of a breaking heart …a need to believe and understand who stands in the aisle of a loved ones loss.
I lost my mom in January of this year to a senseless death of MRSA/sepsis. My only refuge is celebrating her unconditional love for all her children and the memories we each have.
Fortunately for me my faith stands on the rock of our Lords grace, in hopes daily it’s sufficient to survive the next moment.
I also stay in daily conversation with my mom and wait and welcome her whispers of her love.
Love you dearly my sweet earth angel friend.
Thank you Ann – It is a challenge day by day to accept these losses that were preventable isn’t it. I too am soaking in the memories and pithy and pointed faith-filled quotes of her emails. I know exactly what she would tell me to do and I too must stand on the rock and believe God only allowed what was best for her eternally. It is a continual turning for that survival strength of, as you say, the next moment. Moment by moment… reminds me of the song by that name – Never a trial that He is not there,
Never a burden that He doth not bear,
Never a sorrow that He doth not share,
Moment by moment, I’m under His care.
Amen. Beautiful. Your words in the midst of your heartache encourages me.
Mary, Thanks for your faithful prayers and cyber-spiritual-hugs! You are one of my links to heaven’s gate.