Caregiving – Setting Boundaries

Unexpected Gift of Grace #7

Boundaries

Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.

            While I was changing, my mother was not (unless you count her getting more angry at loss of control).  It took intentional discipline to pray about the caregiving challenges and about my mother without being personally offended by her cursing and demeaning behavior.  I had to set some boundaries.

            The first was language. In a respectful and simple manner, I reminded her she raised me to be respectful of others, and she would not appreciate it if I spoke to her that way, so I needed her to cut out the swearing and name calling.  I’d ask if she was ready to talk nicely we could continue the conversation, but if not, I would hang up and it would be up to her to call me when she was ready to talk without cursing.  At first she just cursed more. I said I’m sorry but I will not continue this conversation. You know my number when you are ready to talk again. Then I hung up. The first time it was several days before she called me back. The next few times it was the next day and after that she eliminated the cursing on the phone.

            Oh yes, she did continue to curse to my face, and I would leave the house telling her I was going to do an errand and come back to say goodbye.  I did plan several meetings with friendly extended family such as lunch with a cousin or aunt because I knew she would not act out in front of others.

            I also had to set boundaries with others.  Mother would hire local people to take her places or do errands for her and would tell them I, as her guardian, would pay whatever they wanted. I got those people’s names and numbers and gave them the boundaries, which I informed them, were also provided to Social Services, police and the court in my regular report. That put a stop to some outlandish charges such as several hundred dollars for a couple of rides on a single day.  Setting up “fences” and mending those fences were a huge part of my caregiving.  When I first began seeking household assistance, inquiries were first answered courteously and kindly but once they heard the name or address, stories changed and prices escalated. This is where I had to set boundaries for myself.

            Say what, you are asking.  After years of abuse and now constant resistance to most forms of help, you are suggesting boundaries for the caregiver?  Yes in three ways, one was financially.  Aside from repercussions of being unable to provide our family needs, it would have been easier to buy whatever she wanted and leave town. Putting boundaries on my purchases put boundaries on Mom’s demands. 

Explaining multiple times I had to answer to the court how I spent every penny of hers and mine for her care stopped excessive demands. Asking her how similar situations were handled when younger or during the depression, she’d often come up with creative ideas how to use what she had, or was willing to shop for used furnishings.

I also had to set physical and emotional boundaries, sometimes walking away for a few minutes or seconds for a quick prayer or a call for guidance in making a decision.  After a few times of driving home in tears and being a wreck for days dreading the next visit, boundaries became my friend.

Boundaries were for both of us. Recommended reading – Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life