Willing to be Labeled Enemy

Isaiah 1:19 – If you are willing and obedient you will eat the best from the land

            OK. Mentally I knew I was no longer a victim. Spiritually I knew I was on a mission set by God, and that God would help me accomplish the task to which I’d been called.  Emotionally I knew if I was in her place and my daughter was suddenly controlling my life, or parts of it, I might look on her as my enemy.  So, I get it. With Mom’s mental condition, use of multiple prescription pain killers and alcohol, and history of paranoia, there was no doubt she would consider me her enemy and accuse me of things. She had done so in the past. I should expect it now.

            Mother had made herself known to local police and courts by calling frequently with accusations of theft, often requiring appearances in court by her imagined perpetrator.  I was told she was probably schizophrenic, but would never submit to testing, and she had convinced some local people that I and some of my siblings were the enemy.  Research revealed that such accusations and paranoia were common and an expected effect of cognitive decline. 

            It comforted me to realize I had a choice—that I could (and did frequently) choose not to take her attacks personally any longer.  Someone has said whoever makes you angry controls you, and I was determined that she would no longer control me. I continually surrendered her to God.

            I spoke with several people in authority (police, court, social services, medical, etc) and shared my discovery and plan to ‘put the blame’ on them for some of the choices I would have to make as her guardian. I was surprised, but she accepted that I had to be sure her place of shelter was safe and met health standards because I was under command of the court, the health department, and so on.

            In my case there was also an extra challenge – a person that Mom had been assisting financially.   I soon realized that when those funds were reduced there would be repercussions. I wasn’t surprised at frequent lies to convince her I was only interested in her money and hoarded possessions, but was disturbed at someone consistently worrying her that I might harm her to obtain her (nonexistent) valuables.

            I felt I was showing honor to my parent at that time by fulfilling the law and requirements of a guardian, by protecting others from her volatility as best I could, and by preparing her for boundaries I would have to establish for well being for both of us on this journey. Besides her foul language, some of the other boundaries I had to set were protecting my family from her demands, guarding myself physically and financially, and shielding her from schemes and lies of those that would increase her anxiety.

            One out of four people have some form of abuse in their home. In addition, one out of four women becomes a caregiver for at least one family member. Sadly, these statistics relate to me and perhaps to you. I’ll be honest in admitting that the first few years Mother was so resistant and violent that I was looking up other statistics – how long the average caregiving lasts.

            The only way I could survive the constant harassment was to turn every dart of hatefulness over to the Lord. I brought a friend with me every time I travelled.  The friends were there as witnesses to her behavior, but more than that they were a reminder of God’s presence, power and provision that enabled me to continually reaffirm Mom as a mission rather than as a threat.  That meant I needed to treat her as who she would be or could be in Christ.  That futuristic focus saved me from running down the rabbit hole of what should have been or could have been in our relationship. 

There was no undoing the past, but I could improve the future by what or who I allowed to control the present.