Days and weeks and months, and yes, years are passing since our daughter went to be with the Lord.
Some things are forever the same.
I am still Mom to two daughters and a son. (and 5 other precious souls in miscarriage)
I still have the confidence of all three of my children, as I knew when each left home, that wherever life took them, it had begun with the Lord, and would continue there too into eternity.
I am thankful for the evidence of that faith each embedded in my heart. I treasure them all.
But other things are forever changed.
I’ve read a lot of precious, cute and sometimes well-meant but dubious thoughts of how to grieve – and how to heal toward being whole again. And I’ve talked to a lot of people who have lost a loved one, and all confirm what I feel.
That certain wholeness cannot return, will not return, until we rejoin them and we are one again.
I accept that, because in truth, were I to say any differently, I would be denying the power and closeness of our relationship.
Just about anything I can think of that was once complete – a whole, and now has a part missing, can never be the same. There may be a way to work around the missing portion, to function with the gap, to treasure what remains, and/or to attempt with various things to fill the gap, but nothing will or can ever complete the whole in the same way.
And I appreciate that.
The value and the particularly unique intricacies of a soul are not replaceable. Tweet that
Yes, we learn to live with the space in our heart. Some days I embrace the space she filled because I had that immense joy.
Other days I grieve for things I wish I had said or done and then I laugh because I know she would ask if I had PMS or something and get me a cup of hot tea and a piece of good chocolate.
Some days I smother her siblings, some day I cry for seemingly no reason, and every day I sigh, and then pray for those to whom she gave life.
And every October I think of her as I go to a particular just-for-me event she started me in the habit of with a ticket for my birthday. I just bought a ticket for next month’s event.
I am also completing conquering some concerns she had on my behalf. And when I recently re-read some of her notes about BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) and how she said it made the most lasting impact on her spiritually I made a commitment in her memory and signed up for 30 weeks of understanding some of the depth and faith that made her who she was.
I am bringing her Bible with me.
I am expecting it will impact me too. And those forever changes will be good.