After Losing a Child – Trying to Fight the Battle (Alone)

It’s hard when you have difficulty understanding what your spouse, relative or friend is  going through, and it is hard knowing they don’t or can’t understand what you are feeling. My daughter we lost once wrote me that she felt that same way – and that all that was important was that God knows. And that God had never failed piloting her through a situation and never would fail.

A friend sent this verse today from a (totally different) study she was doing but I found it so related to my feelings:
For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us.
We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you.  2 Chronicles 20:12

Vast army?

Emotions are my vast army right now. They make me feel without power, as indeed I am. All my life I’ve felt if I know the issue, then I can make a reasonable attack plan and be confident of conquering. Not this time.

I understand these words and feelings – I am Overwhelmed. Powerless. 

Not without power – but powerless.

There is a difference.

It is still knowing and admitting that I want to resolve and control my feelings – I want to handle it. But, I also know I cannot bear the feelings, let alone control them. I am powerless in myself and so I have to FIND THE POWER OUTSIDE OF MYSELF.

The solution is in making the Chronicles admissions:

• First admission – they, of themselves, had no power – ZERO – they were empty – POWER-LESS
• Recognize they were being attacked from without. God was on their side. It was not God attacking.
• Talked to God about it.
• Second admission – Don’t know what to do. My hubby has a saying from another verse – when in doubt, don’t.   What do I usually do when someone else is in difficulty? A) sympathize and pray B) analyze situation for potential resolution. This time I need to also admit – I don’t know what to do.
• Third admission – Acknowledge God’s power – I believe you are the answer – OUR EYES ARE UPON YOU (They looked at their history of what God had done for them in the past, just as I/we can look at the cross and what God has done for us at and since Golgotha.). I need to accept the resources (and power) available through Christ.
• Remove distractions – They also fasted as did Queen Esther when fear would have been an expected and understood response to her circumstances. Fasting helps us to totally focus on God.

The Result:

The spirit of the Lord answered their honest cries and told them 

Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God’s.

Do I believe like these warriors did that I could take the leap to trust God to either catch me, or teach me to fly…and whichever He chose, would be the best?

Do not be afraid. God, my daughter Laurie reminded me, had not failed her once. He will not fail me to come through this. The spirit of the Lord says do not fear – (original word fear comes from root meaning troubled or spun around from violent emotion). Do not be pushed/swayed/spun out of focus by the winds of emotion.

Do not be dismayed (distressed, depressed – original word meaning shattered or fearful). I certainly do feel shattered when I look within my limited view. Trusting the emotions makes me question the past and the future because the present is not as stable as I expected it to be.

But, the Sprit of God says do not. Do not trust what brings fear. How can I turn off that fear, that dismay? By realizing I am listening to a lie that I must fight a battle that is not mine to fight.  I need to rest, limp, in His strength.

Imagine short little David – facing the bully and gigantic Philistine – with the little stones in his hand. Trusting a God he believed was bigger than his circumstances.

Imagine Jehosaphat, earthly king and man of God, facing a great multitude. And bowing before the power of God.

Imagine me, just a mom facing the gigantic specter of the death of my child and that absence hovering over the rest of my future. What do these battles have in common?

All of these battles were given the same distinction.

They are not ours.

The answer also was always the same

Recognize you have access to greater power than you or any human has ever had

Take a stand to turn your eyes upon the LORD. Let Him fight the battle 

Whatever your battle today, join me.

We may be power-less in ourselves, but we are not without power!

Let’s turn our eyes upon the Lord

And watch for His deliverance.